Swami Baha's Guide To Clobbering The Other Guy In Your Next Life
1. Let 'em know you're there. Bleed all over them.
2. Carry spare change. You can call the pizza man. You can call a massage parlour. But save a dime to call Mom. Trust me on this one.
3. Get an encyclopedia. Johnny says you can only drink and screw so much.
4. Live in a town that shows "Speed Racer."
5. Get a dog. Their breathing helps relax you before the big game.
6. Don't forget the fact that you're often nothing more but a rich broad's tax write-off.
7. If you're going to use your organ, remember to wear a helmet. (Single guys, take note).
8. There's a lot of shysters in Florida.
9. Do like Dickie Dunn and at least try to "capture the spirit of the thing."
10. If you do the crime, do the time. Two minutes by yourself in the box and feel shame.
11. Always offer a foe a soda after battle. (But none of that stinkin' Root Beer).
12. Use your imagination.
13. Be patriotic. Stand at attention and listen to the fuckin' song!
14. Play more often with your toys and less with yourself.
15. Play your last game clean. Unless there's scouts in the crowd.
16. Never play "Lady Of Spain."
17. If you are at one with the universe, nothing will bother you anymore.
18. Underline the fuck scenes. Learn to put out more.
19. Keep your comments "within the boundaries of good taste".
20. Always have heroes. Appreciate the "Old Time" in anything you do.
21. It's "OWNZA OWNZA," not who "own" what that's important.
22. Sometimes you just have to whip it out and dangle it out in front of them. Make 'em run for the exits!
23. Get the money and go to Florida.
24. Issue your ultimatums, then hang up. Ask to be traded right fuckin' now!!
25. Put on the foil. Every game.